


Something Like Reparations

by thelittlestmoonjelly



Category: Leverage
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Cooking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, Nonbinary Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 12:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18468532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlestmoonjelly/pseuds/thelittlestmoonjelly
Summary: Eliot has had nightmares for a long time. Here's how they started, and maybe how they start to stop.





	Something Like Reparations

**Author's Note:**

> i just love nonbinary eliot!!! and i have strong feelings about nightmares!!! so here's this!!!

When Eliot was young, before they left home, they slept all the time. They were a teenager, so excessive sleeping was to be expected, but they also genuinely enjoyed dreaming. They had dreams about all kinds of things, but they were generally pleasant and often nature- or hardware-themed. Nightmares were rare, only one every couple of months, and they were never so bad as to be unbearable.

Eliot had only been working for the military for a few months overseas when they started to have nightmares regularly. The exact contents tended to vary, but Eliot always woke up after watching their friends and family die without being able to protect them. They started sleeping less.

At first, Damien Moreau had been good for them. Eliot knew that Damien was a criminal, and a bad one at that. But if Eliot was working for him then that made Eliot a criminal, too, so how bad could he be? Besides, after what they’d seen–what they’d done–who was Eliot to judge. It was the shadowy undercurrent of “honor among thieves,” they supposed. Damien taught them how to live without feeling, so the things they did wouldn’t hurt so much. And for a while that worked. They could block everything out during the day and wear themself out with Damien at night so that they could finally sleep for longer than a half hour at a time. It was a dreamless sleep. The nightmares couldn’t get them there.

Then Damien made them do... it. Or rather, Damien told them to do it and they didn’t have the guts or the sense of self to stand up for themself. It was the worst thing they’d ever done—the worst thing they’d ever do. The nightmares came back after that. All of them, and worse than ever: now Eliot was the one doing the killing. No matter how they tried to adjust they couldn’t go back to the life they’d been living. So they left.

The time between Moreau and Toby Heath is a blur, mostly because they don’t want to remember it. Eliot had gone back to not feeling most of the time, but when they sat up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trying to run away from ghosts, they felt. It was mostly pain. The nightmares weren’t getting better, but they weren’t getting worse, either. Eliot would wake up with those innocent people’s screams ringing in their ears; they could feel the blood on their hands. Then they’d sit, rocking and crying, in their bed until they’d calmed down. Then they’d stay awake until they couldn’t stay awake anymore.

Toby saved Eliot. More than that, he saved the part of Eliot that mattered, the part that made them human. When Toby taught Eliot how to cook, they enjoyed it. It was the first thing that they’d enjoyed in a while. It hurt to like something again; it felt like working out a muscle they hadn’t used in a while. Maybe one they didn’t deserve to have anymore. They almost quit when Toby explained how good cooking, like any good art, needs emotions. Eliot didn’t think they could do it, didn’t think they could put that piece of themself out in the world for anyone to see; they weren’t even sure it was still there. But they trusted Toby, more than they had trusted anyone in a long time, so they gave it a shot.

When their dish was finished and Toby complimented their work, Eliot felt something wet run down their cheek. They quickly checked to make sure they weren’t bleeding, but there was no blood, it was just a tear. More began to fall and they looked up at Toby confused, upset, and embarrassed. Toby just gave them a soft smile and opened his arms. Eliot took a few slow steps forward and hugged their teacher, their friend. They started to sob and sank to the floor. Toby sat with them while they cried for a long while. When Eliot got home that night, they cried some more because they just couldn’t stop. Eliot wept through years of unexpressed pain and joy and grief and love that night. They cried until they were too tired to stay awake any longer and fell asleep. That was the first good night’s sleep they’d had in years.

The nightmares didn’t go away after that, not by a long shot, but they didn’t happen every night anymore and that was a good start.

Eliot gave up guns, gave up wet work, got a job offer.

Working with the Leverage Consulting crew helped them stay clear of the pit that Toby had first pulled them out of. Even though they cared about the other members immensely, Eliot knew that they could each take care of themselves–after all, they used to work alone. With that thought in mind, they were able to sleep for a full 90 minutes most nights.

Things are different now: Nate and Sophie are married and no longer work on the crew, Eliot started dating Parker and Hardison; the three of them even moved in together. Eliot still gets the nightmares, and when they’re bad, they’re bad. But now, when Eliot comes back to themself as they’re halfway down the stairwell, Parker and Hardison are there to help them calm their breathing and gently coax them back into the apartment when they’re ready—just like Eliot does for them when they need it. They started having dreams again. Like when they were young, except now they’re less hardware-themed. They felt guilty about it at first, the nightmares were brutal, but they’ve done some horrible things and know that no matter how many people they help they’ll never feel like they’ve made amends for that. But, sleeping next to Parker and Hardison under their starry sheets, they’ve never felt safer. They sleep more than 90 minutes most nights because they don’t want to wake up their partners. And maybe they’re starting to enjoy it again, too.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed! (( or maybe enjoyed isn't right bc this is p sad, but u get what i mean! ))


End file.
